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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in 1334's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, April 23rd, 2016
1:31 am
It's a shame the way you treat me like a fool.
So....For those left that read this be fair warned this maybe allot for some of you to take in. It is how i'm feeling though. It's tough because I feel like there are certain people. Mainly my own blood family.I just can't talk about this to. I fear they just won't understand. Allot of my close friends know i'm depressed. But they don't know that this year I've been pushed past my limit. In my past was so much better off in my life financially and mentally. My last rejection through me over the edge. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop to make it a complete set. This time i'm having a hard time even drawing. I search out no one. I fear anyone even being interested in me. I don't want to be dragged through this shit again. I don't want to place trust. And have someone get to know who I really am. It's not ok. I don't give a shit how "normal" it is for me to feel like this right now. Knowing that doesn't help. I am feeling...like if certain things don't change in my life. By age thirty four I don't want to be around anymore. I have been making plans to shuffle off this plan. Things just keep getting worse and I can't see through it. Why stay? To keep being that eccentric weirdo artiest loner. I'm done with that. If i'm not good enough for anyone then i'm set. I'm certainly not getting more beautiful with age. With no one at my side what's the point? When my close friend Norm killed himself I never resented him for it. I understood. I miss him so much. I do know I was apart of his better years. I have been writing out apologies and will like statements on and off now for months.Sometimes I feel even compelled to. I'm not happy. And theres nothing to fix it.

Current Mood: crushed
Wednesday, November 4th, 2015
10:36 pm
...I'm back I guess..
.....I don't have anything good to say really...my life is a mess...and I don't know what to do...I have only planned one way out...and unfortunately it doesn't work for everybody left who loves and cares about me. There has never been darker times then these. No one knows how to help me because I don't know how to help my own mental state right now...I miss Mort so dam much literally all the time...he just doesn't give a shit really...I don't know why i'm so emotionally lost...

Current Mood: discontent
Saturday, June 27th, 2015
3:04 pm
"Big size, small size Any size, round and round We need, we take Burn it all to the ground!"
So...It's been since last year and right before I got laid off too! I've been looking at life through this deep dirty grimy hole we call unemployment for the past six months now! And it hasn't been good at all! Every opportunity I get to not be this way has left me even more empty handed then when I started! Oh, but now my unemployment runs out in a month and I have never felt so screwed in my entire life! I have this try out day coming up at Geoff's sandwich shop and if I can't make like all 30 of they'er sandwiches by memory I fail! And we all know I can't remember shit after I hit my head from that bike accident so...yea...will see what happens..at least Bee'Bong is still with me!
Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
10:05 pm
Where I am now.
I've been so sad and stressed out lately. It's the winter it makes me miss not just Hans as my bottom entry shows but Steph and Frank too. As you can guess Keith and I are not doing well. Not really. After two years he still has allot to prove to me. He says he wants a life with me but he can't even not yell at me for taking one of his ninety nine cent sodas. I get tired of living like i'm 18 again having him at the house Friday night only to go back to his parents house on Sunday.Last Sunday I told him how I felt. That he acts like a bratty asshole and I feel like he's not ready for this. Will see what happens.
Monday, February 10th, 2014
1:07 am
You bring me back here.
So,This...really is written for someone. Someone after all this time...I am going to hope will still read this despite cutting all ties off with me at random in 2012...I just hope that wasn't really how you wanted it to end. I was just trying to be strong that day and pretend that it didn't hurt me so much. I actually cried over you like I never had over anybody.Honestly, Yes I still think about you. I held love for You and waited for you to come back just like you told me you would that day I broke down in your basement/room. I waited for a long time. You and I where together at the height of my club prime. And still after all of these years you are the only one I feel like actually cared about me back then. No one now could hold a candle to my memories of you. Witch is honestly kind of sad and pathetic that there has been no one else since 2007 till now 2014 with the ability to do that. No one ever treated me like you did...Now we don't talk. For the best? I don't no. To me not so much but I guess you did it to have your own life and try to brake me of holding you in my heart. I honestly wonder what it's like for you? What is it like knowing that I still feel this way? I have these few pictures left...back then I threw out meany of us.Now this is all I have left...I'm sorry I still love you so much but there is a part of me that just can't help it. The men I found after you where more like boys.
back then photo DSCF2441-1.jpg

Current Mood: crushed
Monday, January 21st, 2013
11:07 pm
It's strange how the fates are...funny how someone thats supposed mean something and has for years can just drop you at the bat of an eye lash. Funny how I saved every little thing from that person for as long as I could. The memories are some of the best I had.I guess there was a part of me for a long time that felt like there was a chance that if shit in life took a certain turn you'd come back by the time we'r actually old. Sad in a way. Well to hell with you! I've started to head in a different direction anyway. It's grate sometimes and other times not but thats how it goes yea? The only thing I regret is that you never got to see me for the better.
Sunday, November 11th, 2012
5:09 pm
To a halt.
I haven't written here in months. Ever seance the big blow out on here about two years back I haven't really put to many thoughts or things I have been threw on here. Before I felt like I could just say whatever I was feeling or going threw and just throw it into random cyber space and it was no big deal. After all this is the only thing that can trace me as far back as 2001.And then it took Jeff to make a big splatter storm out of it. Now I mostly do privet video entry's on my computer that make it out to no ware. Witch is fine I guess.

Current Mood: complacent
Tuesday, August 14th, 2012
10:51 am
As of today It's been one year sense mom died. I don't even feel like time has passed like that. I still feel like it wasn't to long ago...today I am just going to burn some Joss paper and relax...so,what to do next?

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, July 24th, 2012
9:26 pm
The Sickness...
I'm sick as hell so Must be all the cough medicine I've been taking lately...
The first dream was about Mom's death...what i saw was... Before me and dad got there and it is shown to me as a painful death...Like she was holding the care takers hand and she felt so much pain at once that she fainted into death...into nothingness perhaps.
Then everything blacked out for even me and when I woke up (still dreaming)I was on the couch at Dad's house. I pet our cat Treasure and went into the Kitchen...now this is where it turns into some kind of bad 80's horror movie...Mom is just sitting at the table...And I freak out..and ask her what hell she's doing here!? She in forms me that she made a deal with Lucifer. Really!? Lucifer? I don't know where my mind gets this besides those 80's talk shows I've been known to watch. She tells me that she threw Dad's girlfriend Kathy out of the house...and she's telling me how she told her off and I actually feel bad for Kathy. At closer inspection of mom I see a spot in her hair that's dyed like a blacksh purple...I come to realize that it's not dye and it's oozing from her head.she's rotting! Her whole body is rotting and she's the walking fucking dead and there's something just not quite right about the whole thing....well I fucking lose it emotionally and actually wake up this time....
I take some more MucineX and eventually get back to sleep. This time I just don't care i'm not afraid to face death even if it hurts. I've had enough of life and everything else.Everything is dark and I can't see anything I start to fall down this long hole...I can't really tell if it's a well or a cave or what but I don't even care. I don't even care if I die at the end. I'm sad that it had to end this way but i'm willing to face it. Then all the sudden I stop falling and I hear a voice..."It's alright I've got ya, your ok."It's Felipe! And then I can see that he's stopped my fall and we're in front of my house...And I feel alright. And then the storm that came in this morning woke me up. I associate Felipe with positiveness. He's been the only friend lately I see regularly in my life so I guess it makes sense that he was the one to save me due to the fact that Estell and I haven't spoken much lately.
And where is Keith in these dreams you might ask? Well there was a time that I had happy dreams with Keith in them. Most of the time they where about our future but now when he's in a dream it's all conflict...This comes from the fact that I feel that things in our relationship are not where they should be yet. I have to put faith in him that while he's not with me he's not out being a bastard to me behind my back. He's never cheated on me that I know of...I think this maybe my own mistrust issues possibly coming out? We don't live together and we see each other mostly on weekends. We text allot threw the week and sometimes call each other...I think I felt more un-trusting when he lost his job July 3rd. He's been looking for a job ever sense... unemployment hasn't even processed his claim yet. Still, I don't feel like we hang out more due to that.In my mind I fucking go crazy and think that guys with extra time on they're hands are up to no good...But he says that he isn't and I have not real proof to say other wise...he told me that if he needs to stick around to prove that hes not then that's what he'll do. But I mean really? Is he really gonna stick around and treat me right? It's clear to him that I love him and would never do anything stupid because he means that much. So why can't I just feel it back?

Current Mood: sick
Sunday, July 15th, 2012
9:44 am
Must be something in the wind..
....you ever get the feeling that sometimes...things aren't as clear as you think they are....somethings up...it's either that or i'm just so damaged by this point that nothing can make sense anymore. I've been in this relationship for almost 9 months with no problems and nothing really going wrong but there is allot more expected here.
Thursday, June 28th, 2012
5:36 pm
He had known me from ages 14 to 18 and I have actively been trying to hunt him down ever sense. I would find leads but nothing would ever happen...At one point it was only me,Glass and Norm. It feels like such along time ago...This was way before I could have possabuly known what life had in store for me... we would go to Norm's house after school and chow down on junk food and soda. We would watch Dragon ball Z that Norm had recored the night before...we where so into the chracters at that point...Each of us stood by our man and insisted he was the best. Me:Piccolo,Glass:Frieza,Norm:Vegeta. We never got tired of imatateing Ginyu force either...Me: Jeice,Glass:Burter,Norm: RECOOME! When Norm started to grab Trunk's style allot of people got on him about it but I always thought it was grate.
We had Hell Raizer fridays wher we would watch all the Hell Raizer moives back to back. And any other Cliver Barker and Stephin King moives we could get our hands on.
We would listen and Dance out to Nine Inch Nails and Apex Twin....
Club Evil couldn't have been anything without it's founders. Glass:Presdent,Me:Vice Presedent and Norm was really the most impotaint he was Stelth..he could recall anyones locker combo just by seeing it once..if we ever needed anything we couldn't get our hands on Norm always could.
We had huge fire pits with exsplosives and penty of runnung about town investagateing abandoned buldings. We also hung out at Diemond day ranch for hours at a time witch i didn't mind...I recall Norm getting inspired by the cover art of The Fragle and takeing pictures in that style. It was amazing and he had taken tons of them...he really should have done something with that...
Our problems and secrits. We all had them even back then. Norm had ALLOT of them....But I never faulted him for that. I excepted him for what he was and that was that.
it all makes sense now....
he was in and out of Buttler and places like that threw out those years...he would even sometimes write to me from those places when he was there untill he came back home.
Last Thursday night he killed him self. Now all I have left of him is a few notes,some mixed Tapes and one picture of me at his house...and allot of memorys...I regreet time changeing us and my misplaceing of our friendship...although he was not a big fan of people so..he probly was hideing from me and Glass all these years.
Norm may Cenobites take you to the other side and if you gotta Haunt me I hope you do.I miss the Hell out of you my friend. R.I.P forever.

Current Mood: sad
Monday, April 30th, 2012
12:12 am
" Life shifts up and down everybody knows it's wrong."
So,I am amazingly still living in this apartment. Despite not being a fan of living here I have trudged on for 2 years so far. However I can feel it start to ware on me now more then ever. I don't really enjoy this stuck feeling very much. Like many of my friends I seem to be stuck in a spot I can't yet get out of. I know I will but I can't really see how its all gonna go do been told by a number of people that our similarities in character and style is a bit creepy. There is a still a feeling though a feeling of staying on my toes. He's said allot of very wonderful things to me but saying and doing are different things entirely. This also brings me to the point of...well this may sound crazy but i'm afraid I'll die. :C I mean my Sister and Mother are both dead...fate has it out for me I feel like...I don't want to possibly make all this happy life progress only to have the unspeakable happen to me later...I know I shouldn't worry about that but I do....I'm the only female left out of the family my Father made...life is very different now. Still Keith even told me he would protect me from everything the best he could...he really is grate so I can't see going on without him unless that's what he wanted. It's harder then ever to feel happy now and the fact that he can do this is really something...

I guess I have no choice but to see what happens...in other news me and Keith saw this documentary and it was wonderful and very moving. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JUqrPwe7Lo
It's one of the best things I've seen in a while and I think it's a must see!

Current Mood: contemplative
Sunday, March 11th, 2012
9:54 pm
"So,... where are the former residents?"

So it's been a very long time sense I've posted here.....
where to even begin...Mom's death brought on a very different way of life for all of us in the family...I feel like people are progressing but the true pain of it all will never really leave. I'm glad I stayed with her till the end but I feel like looking back on those days feels worse then when they where actually happening.There truly is no god(s)...2011 it self was a tough year and with the Tsunami/earthquake devastating parts of Japan, It didn't do much for my morale. When the year ended I felt a giant sense of relieve. Still, things have been darker in a way...I tend to be a bit colder and more with drawn these days. At least my dreams have eased up. I literally had nothing but nightmares starting the end of August threw to mid January.
I would wake up only to fall back asleep into another bad dream.
Now,I still have bad dreams but now its not every single night. My stand point now tends to be that of some kind of soldier. Life is kinda like a personal war that I have to get threw because I really don't know whats going to happen to me or anyone I care about around me. My style of dress and music has also been affected by this as well. Anyone as of late whom has bumped into me can surely see. I know that other people out there in the world have it harder then I do but that doesn't change what has already happened or could happen in my own life.
But not all is grim, I started dating a man named Keith and we met some months before we dated. We both felt a pull twords each other after a while. We function often as if we'r part of a single mind built from us combined.
I feel like what ever darkness I walked into he was just already there the whole time and perhaps past that...he's the only one thats really gotten me to buck up. He means allot to me and I to him I suppose. We often talk about having a life together but I guess will just have to see what time has in store for us...

Current Mood: complacent
Sunday, April 10th, 2011
11:48 pm
video blog try out!

Current Mood: contemplative
Sunday, January 30th, 2011
1:39 am
ugh I don't know!
So...kinda harboring this Fuck The World type feeling tonight. My man left tonight just as I was feel'n really content and I kinda had a hard week this week as far as walking 5 miles for 3 days in this winter weather,my period being wacky and stupid ass drama at work gos so I was just hoping for some nice peace of mind and comfort. But nope none of that I guess. Kinda angry feeling now,I'm supposed to be planing his birthday and over all planing on how to get the fuck threw this up coming work week but i'm just kinda pissed off. When I'll feel good again I don't know but I guess I get the rest of tonight and another 2 whole fucking days to think about it.

Current Mood: aggravated
Saturday, January 1st, 2011
10:14 pm
We pay our debt sometime.
So,over all my week was good I'd like to think we broke grounds and my hopes where that he would see what it was like to live with me. Of course I still don't fully see it as "my place." But it's as close as it gets for now. Anyways, my hopes where that he wouldn't find me overwhelming. I had a good week and it's my hopes that he did as well. And thats hes not just bullshitting me. I'll be the first to admitting that trusting someone i'm in a relationship with is like trying to pull teeth. I've been threw allot of shit in my day. Haven't we all but thats why I am whom I am today. In that being said I don't understand something.

After I have been in a relationship with someone whom I have found to have really,really messed me up I tend to forgive but not forget I keep a certain distance. So currently I kinda feel like why would someone I love so much not do as such.
Especially if it has to do with someone whom has a nack for taking advantage of all walks of life whenever possible. What she did as far as they're past gos could be forgiven but to think you can have some grate friendship afterworlds should be totally out of the question. It's not the friendship I mind. This town is to small not to forgive. However he will try to chat with her if hes thinking allot about her. why? shes up to the same shit she was when you where "dating" witch is being a fucking lier and using up what she can. I assume the same about an ex of mine as well,people don't change they're ways unless they want to.Very rarely does a change happen.So why bother wit them anymore? Why bother with people out to hurt you? Does anyone else find this hard to understand?
Feeling this,due to the fact that it was Alice in chains last video,I think the really where trying to make a come back but going threw so much.....reminds me of my self a bit I guess.

Current Mood: nervous
Thursday, December 23rd, 2010
4:35 pm
The times.~
So,I'm here at mom and dads house. Don't really know why but I kinda feel like I wish I was back home having a smoke on the steps with Estella.
My life? Ah it's life, I still deal with allot of darkness and sadness inside me. It's not all dark but it's hard to see things not going wrong in the future. I know that I have made tons of self progress but for what?
To be indubitably crushed by time and fate it self?
Love isn't simple anymore we no longer have to live in the hunter gatherer sense of things like we once did long ago in nature.
I know I can live my life but is that really all there is to it?
Whats it all for I wonder? Maybe it's not me who needs to progress anymore.
But can I really take faith in other people with that?
Maybe there is someone whom is ultimately just what I'm looking for.
Well,My life is deffinately not some watered down Disney movie so I don't believe in that at all. I'm just one of those "Different" people I guess....

Current Mood: complacent
Wednesday, October 20th, 2010
2:20 am
I don't really understand the nature of the beast but what i thought would happen has. Still I'm doing alright in my life. just got this nice cold bed to keep me warm. I really don't want to bother with anyone else. Why should I? I loved that kid so dam much. Ah,nothing i can do now.

Current Mood: depressed
Friday, October 1st, 2010
11:46 am
The last.
I wonder what tonight holds? It's the last Decadence after all. Either way i look foreword to it. Gonna try to look my best and have a good night!

Current Mood: hopeful
Sunday, August 29th, 2010
6:33 pm
Ghost Child (For my family+ some "friends".)
I hope that if theres anyone left from my real family that still snoops around here that you read this.>>>

So,I still find it hard to believe that everyone in my family keeps in touch with Jeff still.
More people then I thought do as such. Was I that WRONG to not stay with someone that in the end
didn't like me either. He decided to keep all my Animal children to "teach me a lesson."
Some of them would only respond to me and Jeff also did not want them.
This included 2 Ball Pythons{Dezmond+Suki}and a Sulcata Tortoise{Rugby}.
I think of them everyday,I cry about not being able to keep them and my kitten Chilly all the time.
Chilly was given to me last minute out of spite,Chilly loved Jeff,but Jeff could not say the same.
These animals DID NOT have to go threw this to "stick it to me."
I worry everyday about they're lives.
But I guess that will show me right? I should have just stayed like a good girl right?
Gaining more wight and becoming down right miserable with Jeff whom no longer had any real interest in me.
I guess I'll never stop being a whore right? I mean after all isn't that what Jeff basically
told you all? So that must be true of cores after all he part of the family now.

Current Mood: stressed
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